subtract the bands
your wedding never felt so bland
with a horn and no ram.
Conceptual thoughts
ideas bought
rent paid
fridge full of rocks.
Dream during the day
slide by all night
chimpanzees play
secrets fall tight.
This box never felt so light
treasure inside
popcorn and jelly
what a radical mind.
beautiful sharon - i loved the tightly falling secrets..really nice
ReplyDeleteto make it villanelle - just a few suggestions..
A1 - Time and hands
b - with a horn and no ram
A2 - your wedding never felt so bland
a - subtract the bands
b - popcorn and jam (has to rhyme with ram)
A1 - Time and hands
..and so on...
if you like - rhyme on with the below structure - but it's for sure beautiful just as it is
A1-b-A2
a-b-A1
a-b-A2
a-b-A1
a-b-A2
a-b-A1-A2
Thanks Claudia! I realized after I posted that the structure was not quite the vianelle it should be. It needs more repetition and on ongoing ab-A1 ab-A2 layout. I really appreciate your advice, thank you!
ReplyDelete