I just don't know

If I could take back all of the confusion in my life I would.
If I could say I never loved you and that my life experiences weren't shaped by you I would.
If I could make a statement and in my mind not vicariously compare it to something we have done together I would.
If I could honestly look at another person and feel half the way I felt when I was with you I would.
If I could rely on someones nod and look to them for advice the way I did to you I would.
If my investment and all I poured out combusted into a realistic endeavor the way I felt when I was with you I think it might mean more.

Looking at you now, I wander.
I wander if it's really me you see.
I wander if it is my eyes you look into or if you see another reflection.
I wander if you are covering up what you don't want to see, but never faced in reality.
I wander if it's that you were too scared to face it so you looked to me as a way out.
I wander all the time if I give you the same feeling you had with me. 
I honestly think each day that I am so close to losing you. 
I honestly think each day that you are considering the words you will chose to leave me.
I honestly worry each moment of each second of each hour that this is just a cover
A cover to this sick wall we have put up to avoid the inevitable.
Whatever day we decide to face it will be the day I remember.
The day I remember to stop worrying and start loving again.
Stop contemplating and remember who I am.

Poetry Slam

Check out this poetry slam. Pretty awesome stuff. I will post more as I find it. This guy is great. 

Shappy-Spoken Nerd

Dave Chappelle on Def Poetry

Running

Running Running Running
Before I even left the sound contrasted my eye
For what it really was.

Running Running Running
An inhibited land with guns and arrows; sorrow
and pain; built legs on rocks.
A pain which disguises a thresh hold
Not even a man can take.

Running Running Running
The wheel is an easy out for a world out of bounds
in so many ways, how does one expect to exceed
the next simpatico function in time?
The wind does not even detect this
Running Running Running
I would never guess a fountain would look this familiar.  

My Magical Place

My Magical Place

I look down at my hands
dripping with water
a green film from algae
stumbling
as I gather rocks in my shirt.

My young hands
fail to understand
the complexity
of it all.

Dad 20 meters away
puffing away on tobacco
driving a pole into
the water.

My dreams of being big;
helping dad and sis
are just a few years away.

For now I'll keep my chubby
legs and arms submerged
catching frogs
collecting rocks.

Our golden retriever
bathes in the shade
a hole dug just for her
biting at bees as they pass.

This place felt like a dream
the "money tree" we knew existed
coins on the ground to prove
so unique
Mom hung kettles from the trees.

The bench  where I learned to fish
peeling with white paint
nails falling out
always loved that Mickey Mouse pole.

Our fort in the forest
to protect us from bears
sis always laid the large sticks
as I gathered the small.

Our fortress to the outside world
our secrets and dreams held tight
peering through the light holes
our lives just beginning.

Across Hanging Kettle Lake
lay a peacock farm
a musty smell of dew in the morning
you can hear the mothers calling.