I just don't know

If I could take back all of the confusion in my life I would.
If I could say I never loved you and that my life experiences weren't shaped by you I would.
If I could make a statement and in my mind not vicariously compare it to something we have done together I would.
If I could honestly look at another person and feel half the way I felt when I was with you I would.
If I could rely on someones nod and look to them for advice the way I did to you I would.
If my investment and all I poured out combusted into a realistic endeavor the way I felt when I was with you I think it might mean more.

Looking at you now, I wander.
I wander if it's really me you see.
I wander if it is my eyes you look into or if you see another reflection.
I wander if you are covering up what you don't want to see, but never faced in reality.
I wander if it's that you were too scared to face it so you looked to me as a way out.
I wander all the time if I give you the same feeling you had with me. 
I honestly think each day that I am so close to losing you. 
I honestly think each day that you are considering the words you will chose to leave me.
I honestly worry each moment of each second of each hour that this is just a cover
A cover to this sick wall we have put up to avoid the inevitable.
Whatever day we decide to face it will be the day I remember.
The day I remember to stop worrying and start loving again.
Stop contemplating and remember who I am.